Having been home this spring, I ran into a old friend of mine that I had not seen for years, the year before that I saw a old work friend and a old roommate that I had not seen for awhile.. I am always surprised when my mom tells me hello from so and so.. most of the time I don’t even remember them but I am informed that I went to school with them..
For some reason someone I went to school with has been in my head lately, she moved to our town and started eighth grade with us, she was beautiful by the western standard, any way you cut it!, she was already about 5’8, long blond hair, bright blue eyes, slender but still a bit curvy, fair skinned, perfect teeth and she was a lady, soft spoken, always dressed to the hilt, light makeup, with pretty shade of pink nails..and she didn’t belong to anything, the boys drool and coo’d on her..
I on the other hand in that grade, was already 5, 9 if I was a inch, had been funcky red hair, that you never knew what it would look like, long, braided, funked or punked, I bite my nails but had fake nails and I would make them multi-colored, or put stars on them but mainly I used to wear a different color per nail, or a rainbow of colors on my hands, dress wise, it ran from very dressy (my folks believe that a girl should be able to be a girl) but it also included outfit of the 80’s country punk. I was on the volleyball and basketball team (b) and I joined the running club that year and was active in drama and went to every dance. As for boys, I was not allowed to date, not group date, or double date.. NO dating! On other hand, I was allowed to go to ever dance and boogy to my hearts delight, but I went home with big brother or my folks picked me up at the doors. In a nutshell shew was the anti-me
Fast forward a couple years, and I was just as different, just as active in school things, still into drama, but by then also very active behind the camera, even getting a student placement to learn more with the local cable company.. The angel on the other hand, by that time was the first person (but not the last) I knew that had Anorexia, she was dating a boy from my brothers grade, she ended up having to be put in the hospital and as they say, if you try to harm yourself its a cry for help.. well by the time she got there, it was not a cry so much as a scream, that was the last I heard of her.
It was one of those moments in my life when I had that moment of “why” .. and I know that everyone has their own versions of why.. but in her case, she had talked about the voice in her head, that voice that said, never good enough, never thin enough, never pretty enough, Not good enough..
It was the first time I can remember being at a meeting when everyone in the school in groups was talking about that voice.. and I realized, I don’t have one..
Now I do understand and have been told by the “man” that of course I do, but I really don’t, I tend to smile and nod when they tell me I do.. but let me be honest with you, I don’t, I don’t have that voice in my head, when I go still and silent, I can slip off the still path by thinking or worrying a problem like a bone.. but no inner voice like others talk about..
Fast forward twenty years into the future and I look at my current lifestyle choices, I don’t keep up with the jones, I am on a different path and have been on many of them in my lifetime, I wonder if I would be me, the me now, if I had a voice, would I have been as fearless on a number of choices I made if I had that little voice, saying, “No, you can’t do that, you will fail” .. Don’t know, never will know, its not how my head works..
So for all your folks that are walking a different path, making the choice to step off from the crowd and do your own thing.. Do you hear that voice? or is it possable that there are many of us out that just don’t..